Long time since I've written in a blog or journal or whatever this is called. its currently 5:35am on Monday. Sleep is completely out of the question by now. i can hear my dad walking around the second floor trying to find his socks or searching the laundry for a hankerchif thats clean. if i bite down hard enough on my left side of my mouth i can feel a cavity forming on one of my molars. i know this is a bunch of nonsense ramblings of a sleep deprived Gabby but i just felt like being poetic in the sense of me writing whatever i happen to observe at this time. that sounded way to...um...logical for someone who's been wide awake for the past seventeen hours...wait...soon to be eighteen hours. ha.
what a completely insane
day week month semester i dont know. its just been crazy. i don't know if its me or just TOM but i've been an emotional rollercoaster for the past few weeks. i've had bouts of joy, giddiness, then in a flash im balling in the shower. i made my brother feel concerned for me because he heard me laughing in the shower and then all of a sudden he heard sobbing. i dont know whats going on with me lately but theres something raging in my head that needs to be let out but i can't do anything about it.
I met my brother's girlfriend today. she's sweet. he needs someone like that. i dot get it.
My mom slipped on a banana in school a week before christmas break. go on. laugh. get it out of your system. all better? ok. she broke her right radious bone (aka she broke her right wrist). yeah sucks, right? anyway. she has become the neediest person i've ever met. i understand that she doesnt have both hands and such, but that doesnt mean that my remainder of my winter break has to be babysitting her. yes i was there at the hospital when it happened on my first semi day of break and i shouldnt complain because it could of been much worse but a little air for the nurse is always ALWAYS needed.
Everyone left. i have no more time. no more break. no more life. just work and school. what a vicious cycle. i think i lost my smile.
i hope someone finds me soon. im getting sick and tired of waiting. of talking with no feeling. no emotion. i dont want to be a plaything. i dont want written kisses. i dont want photos or words or texts. i want none of that. no more. i don't want a figment of my imagination. at this point i willing to live alone. stay alone. i dont care how pretty i am or how curvy i am or how sweet i am. i dont care if i hear a voice that makes up excuse after excuse to not see me. all i want is something real. is that so hard to ask for?
i got my palm read at orientation my freshman year of college. all the fortune tellers always looks at someones hand and say 'oh your life line is very long!' i think about what this person told me. i have a connection with the forrest and im good with money but my life line ends at around 60. my 20th birthday is 9 months away. i know its a long way from now but i never expected to be 20 so soon either. my grandma's life line is probably all the way up to her elbow.
i have to get out of here. i have to leave. i cant wait for you to graduate. i cant wait for your friend to graduate. i cant wait for you to get accepted to another college. no pets. no plants. nothing. all i want is to leave. pay my rent and start to live a life that should of started a long time ago. a different country is needed. a change of scenery. this house is suffocating me. this town is suffocating me. i cant breathe anymore. Just a name on the map. Sounds like heaven to me.
well at this point, i've vented and such. sleep is completely out of the question. i guess i didnt want this night to end.
no one really gives a fuck about us anyway. 
